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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27210670">Nothingness Surrounds Us</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SrpskiFan/pseuds/Lorelai'>Lorelai (SrpskiFan)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Centered around inner change rather than action, Dark Character, Dialogue, Edgar Allan Poe References, Emotional Hurt, Existential Crisis, F/M, Gentle Kissing, Heavy Angst, Inspired by Poetry, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Nihilism, Philosophy, Slow Updates, am I dumb?, attempted manipulation by aizen ofc, change of POV, emotionless to emotional, is this dumb?, no mention of other characters mostly, physical comfort, seamless change of attitude, somewhat sarcastic here and there, ulquiorra x human oc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:28:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27210670</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SrpskiFan/pseuds/Lorelai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A woman captured solely for her knowledge, her only unwilling purpose to amuse Aizen, such as his wish. In the mids of her insanity, there is but one person who will save her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ulquiorra Cifer/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Cruelty of Loneliness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He lied. He said that emptiness was his virtue, he said that emptiness defined him, made him who he was — an Espada. He said that there was nothing in this world that mattered, not a single thing, a feeling, or a desire. But oh, did he lie.</p><p>Perhaps I was the only one who knew that he wasn't being truthful when he talked about himself. I think he even lied to himself, convinced himself that that's who he was; I believe in my conclusion more than I believe in him — a being so ancient and damaged, he cannot even determine who he is anymore.</p><p>If I wasn't right, well, I could always sink further into lunacy, as I'm doing with each passing day spent in this cursed dungeon. He's the only thread of sanity I have left, and I'm well aware that even that won't last for very long. I know it won't, because nothing in this goddamned building lasts for very long and everyone is out to destroy and kill any other creature deemed 'unworthy'.</p><p>I knew he was different, but I also knew I couldn't trust him. He was one of them, and I was a mere prisoner, an experiment, rather. A truly miserable point of my life. In any case, there was he, who kept me company sometimes, finding pleasure in debating me in all kinds of philosophical topics. I guess this was the only time and place where my philosophy major came in handy.</p><p>That gesture of his, a good will on his part, became my current reason to exist, having nothing to do at the absence of either Aizen or some curious servant. Like Scheherazade, each time he came I would introduce a new topic, leave it moderately explored and discussed, and when he left, I could only hope he would return as interested as he was when we began talking.</p><p>And each time he returned, I found myself feeling happy. Even though his face remained blank, even though his voice remained flat, even though he refused to sit with me, to have tea with me, I couldn't help but feel that flawed, human emotion called happiness. A Stockholm syndrome, I know, I've studied it, but the fact that I knew the name of my condition made it no less real to me.</p><p>"Philosophy is like that, you know: it makes you see the flaws in everything. Nothing is ever good enough, every single thought that might cross your mind is inherently incorrect, because it is always subjective. There's no such thing as an objective thought, that is just absurd. No one can have knowledge so great that they see the truth, and it is therefore impossible for any individual to be objective," I lectured per usual. I could only stare at the walls as those words left my lips; it helped me concentrate.</p><p>"How can anyone be certain of anything then? How are you so certain that what you speak about is correct?"</p><p>"No one can be absolutely sure of everything, that stands, but I am personally very much convinced that what I'm saying holds more ground than, say, some housekeeper or a construction worker if they spoke about the same thing. Mainly because I also understand that the concept of language is flawed at best and that the word 'uncertain' only exists because people felt like they needed a name for something that was a common occurrence, while overlooking the broader world they were unfamiliar with, but we already covered that topic."</p><p>His eyes roamed across the room until they settled on me. As always, his face held nothing, his body language nonexistent.</p><p>There was, however, a small shift in my mental state — traces of nervousness disturbed the numbness I developed from the lack of human contact. The isolation almost completely destroyed my ability to evaluate my emotions, but seeing how I stopped experiencing any in a normal way, it was almost bizarre how the nervousness appeared.</p><p>"I keep wondering why Aizen-sama chose you as a captor," he suddenly spoke. That question came as a surprise to me, mainly because Ulquiorra never expressed his opinions about personal matter, and he especially never showed any indication of being interested in me as a real person.</p><p>"That I do not know," I quietly answered. For once in this cave, I sounded like an actual person and not a robot designed to propagate philosophy.</p><p>The room fell silent as he pondered over something unknown to me; his eyes stayed upon mine, eyes that seemed to be in pain, the ones that thought they could see everything.</p><p>"You wanna talk about personal perception?" I inquired, sick of the constant silence that drove me mad on a daily basis.</p><p>"I don't want to talk to you anymore."</p><p>Those words pierced through me like arrows, the pain spreading through my chest and stomach as my face reminded blank. He wasn't interested anymore, and that simple fact meant the beginning of my irreversible madness; once he had stopped coming, there'd be no one keeping me from losing it.</p><p>"I want you to show me your own mind."</p><p>It was there that I froze in place. A relief briefly came over me, until shock replaced it once I realized what happened: Ulquiorra was showing interest in me personally; he finally went past his indifference into a more intimate conversation, though I highly doubt he viewed it as such. He stepped closer to me then, his stepping firm and confident.</p><p>"I have only been getting theories from you. I want an example now. And who would be better at giving me one than you — the very person who provides me with knowledge."</p><p>"I never would've guessed you saw me as a kind of teacher."</p><p>"Don't be ridiculous, woman. I am merely here to pass the time." He stepped closer. "Now, abide by my request."</p><p>Sure, he had the freedom to order me around like I was a mutt, but there was still danger that he might kill me if I stepped over the line. And I only had a vague idea of where that line was when dealing with the cold, expressionless man such as him.</p><p>"What are you asking me, exactly? What do you want to see?"</p><p>"As I've said, I want a glimpse of your mind. I want you to show me something specific to a human, something you feel as you look at me; I want to see the turmoil in your mind as you are trapped in this dark room, alone and without hope of escaping."</p><p>The cruel way to remind me of the situation I was in, but a thing he succeeded was to cause a slight anxiety in me, a near dread of hearing the truth of my current existence. Weeks of loneliness, same four walls, no sunlight, no entertainment whatsoever, no hope for the better...</p><p>Just <em>him</em>. Why was he here? Mocking me perhaps, trying to break me for his own amusement.</p><p>"I can't."</p><p>I did not fear death, yet I remained worried that he'd kill me. I knew what I wanted, no — <em>needed</em> — after this many days spent alone, occasionally in his company, but how worthy was my safety compared to my emotional needs?</p><p>"Fear not of the consequences. Aizen-sama has prohibited us from laying a single finger on you."</p><p>A lie. He just wanted me to relax enough to do whatever's on my mind.</p><p>"Do you..."</p><p>Should I really ask? He wasn't human, but he did exhibit human-like behavior every once in a while. Perhaps he could not relate to my feelings, but they might just satisfy his curiosity.</p><p>"Do I what?"</p><p>Hell, it wasn't like I was safe here in the first place.</p><p>"Do you... ever feel touch-starved?"</p><p>That is what I felt in the absence of everyone, and in the presence of the one who would never touch me or let me touch him. I didn't know if it was impossible for his kind to feel something like that, but it was my biggest hope right now that Ulquiorra's curiosity would overpower his indifference.</p><p>"No, I don't. But my interest extends beyond even my own understanding," he spoke as he slowly walked toward me, stopping mere inches in front of me, close enough for me to feel his slow breathing, to smell the freshness of the wasteland outside that dwelled on his form.</p><p>I did not budge. I was shocked at his actions and words, and maybe a little overwhelmed by them, but my eyes stayed on his as he looked at me from just a little above.</p><p>"You are free to express yourself however you choose. Show me your humanity, I want to feel something other than nothingness."</p><p>It wasn't affection. More like... yearning. That's what I felt. And if he so asked, than I would show it to him. A little reluctantly, I reached his face and gently caressed it, for the first time seeing a change on his face. His eyes widened, a sign of surprise, and his arm reached to grab my palm that held his cold face.</p><p>"Why are you so surprised? Didn't you say you want this?"</p><p>He slowly removed his palm off of mine upon realizing I was right. My skin, lacking sunshine for almost a month, was almost as pale as his.</p><p>"I expected you to hit me. I thought you'd be enraged by now," he admitted.</p><p>"I've lost the ability to feel rage. At this point, I am more similar to you than anyone else in Las Noches, in that I am devoid of almost all of my emotions."</p><p>"Yet, you still feel."</p><p>"Yes. And as I see, you are beginning to feel, too."</p><p>His surprise was much more evident now. His mouth opened like he was trying to say something, but struggled to find the right words. It was a relief to me, how I caused such reactions from this otherwise cold individual. It felt like I had bigger impact on him than he had on me; perhaps that's how it was — after all, he had a purpose, so being distracted from it could prove fatal. I, on the other hand, had nothing — not a single reason to exist whatsoever.</p><p>"To feel, you say? A curious thing it is," he nearly whispered. I loved the sound of his voice so close to me, but despised the fact that it was so.</p><p>Ulquiorra neither confirmed nor denied whether he felt anything. His words rang in my mind — I can express myself however I want, he said. However I want.</p><p>My right palm still on his cheek, I placed the left one on his shoulder, careful not to surprise him. I traced my fingers across his face as he looked at me with his stoic kind of curiosity, patient with my treatment.</p><p>I slowly started closing the distance between the two of us, feeling a knot in my stomach as I did so. He wanted humanity, and that meant he wanted tenderness, no matter what his picture of humanity was. I, on the other hand, longed for the touch of another, I wanted the comfort of it, the intimacy of it.</p><p>And that's where our wishes collided, though softly and suppressed. He remained rigid, his lips just slightly open in a puzzled acceptance of my kiss.</p><p>I closed my eyes and followed his jawline to his ear where I found shallow contentment by imagining this man as benevolent. If only he could realize I needed skin-to-skin contact, if only he would wrap me in his arms...</p><p>"What is this?" he asked. His voice was as shallow as I expected it would be.</p><p>"You wanted humanity," I spoke in a hushed tone. "But I should think you're sick of war and chaos."</p><p>I broke the one-sided hug that left me unsatisfied and looked into his ever-the-same eyes. The mirrors of the soul, people say, and his seemed to be in an unending pain. I wonder if he interpreted the sorrow he might have felt as the so-called nothingness, and then decided that he was an empty individual.</p><p>"How can you be so certain of your conclusions?"</p><p>"I'm not always, but I can certainly tell a thing or two."</p><p>Despite what I said, I couldn't figure out what he felt, or if he even felt anything at all. Did that spark, so prevalent in humans, appear even for a moment in his gut?</p><p>I should've known it did not. Maybe his curiosity disappeared as soon as he experienced a disappointing reaction on his own skin. He merely turned around and abandoned me without a single word, leaving only the unbearable silence for days on end.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Indecisive Mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Perhaps I underestimated Ulquiorra's mind. After all, he was something other than human, something I couldn't completely understand no matter how much I tried. It was therefore futile to contemplate his life, even more so because I didn't actually know much about the man.</p><p>In spite of that, a good portion of my time spent in this blank room went into thinking about him, especially during the days he was absent. Deep regret creeped into my consciousness as I was thinking about my actions that drove him away, but even that regret quivered under my reasonable assumption that I couldn't have known what would happen. Still, my one fiber of sanity threatened to rapture at the slightest premise of immediate danger, the very thing I was frightened of all this time.</p><p>'Once upon a midnight dreary', a poem I have long thought forgotten found its way into my restless mind. 'while I pondered, weak and weary,'*</p><p>At the moments of complete, intoxicating stillness of the world, I was scared, terrified of any sudden noise, a knock on the door, yelling in the hallway. Could I be next, my mind begged the question.</p><p>'Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,'</p><p>Laying on the white sofa, a world of heightened senses opened up to me, and I was suddenly able to hear every crack, every scream from within the Las Noches, to smell the aroma of tea that found its way into my cell, to feel the warmth of the blood that circulated through my body. I did not believe this feeling entirely, however, convinced that much of what I felt was mere hallucination.</p><p>'While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,'</p><p>I focused on my sense of hearing, noticing the faint clicking noise, and as it got louder and louder, I realized that those were footsteps of someone steadily approaching my cell. Someone unfamiliar — someone other than Ulquiorra.</p><p>'As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.'</p><p>I stood up, prepared to meet my possible demise; it sat in my mind for a long time, the premise of my horrible fate. I was scared, and from my fear, I saw no other picture than my death.</p><p>'"Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door,'</p><p>The door cracked open, revealing a figure whom I thought I'd never see again. He was smiling at me, the false kindness in his eyes awaking only terror and disgust.</p><p>"I am sorry you had to wait for so long, Kaiya."</p><p>'Only this and nothing more."'</p><p>The man in front of me wasn't a hollow, but I had as much difficulty understanding him as I had with Ulquiorra. Well, this building was filled with non-human psychopaths, so it was no wonder I couldn't relate to them.</p><p>"Perhaps you would like to come with me."</p><p>What I did understand was that he was extraordinary intelligent, as well as manipulator who used courteous language to deliver direct commands. No one with a little more than a single brain cell could possibly harbor any sympathy for him, so he had to use fear as a tool for ruling.</p><p>"You know you are free to talk to me, right?" he asked, his voice seemingly compassionate. I started walking toward him, my disgust killing all traces of fear.</p><p>"Haven't got much to tell you, Aizen."</p><p>Oh, how he looked at me. That smirk of his deserved only fury on my part, but to keep this little dignity, I remained calm, keeping my thoughts at bay and muscles only tense enough to stand.</p><p>"That's no way to talk to me, now."</p><p>"I am not a part of your hollow army, remember?"</p><p>He was threatening me, I knew that, but there was something in me that simply refused to accept the submission to him, despite the odds being spectacularly against me, with everyone in Las Noches being Aizen's servant and my enemy. Not to mention that I was the weakest one here, completely exposed to them and unable to defend myself if someone decided to kill me. Not that I would regret — it was probably better to die that to suffer.</p><p>"That is correct, but as long as you stay in my establishment, you shall abide by my rules, and it is my request that-"</p><p>"You mean as long as I <em>want</em> to stay in your establishment. Let me remind you that none of this was my choice, and it is therefore not my duty to accept any of your requests, in case you were confused."</p><p>The grin that disappeared from his face as I talked, resurfaced once Aizen had finished forming his opinion of me and most likely of my destiny. Why, oh why did this have to happen to me?</p><p>"If you know what's good for you, follow me," he spoke, certain that his intimidation had a strong affect on me. But I swear it didn't, I swear to whatever God's up there that I only went because I was desperately bored and lonely, and any activity, no matter how horrible, was better than staying in this dreadful cage.</p><p>He escorted me to what I assumed was either a dining room or a meeting room, with many of his hideous servants seated at the large table, presumably according to their ranks. The only free chairs were the one at the forefront and the one opposite from it.</p><p>"Have a seat, Kaiya."</p><p>At the very least, I wouldn't have to sit close to him.</p><p>What was I doing here again? I had no idea why this person kidnapped me, and I had even less of an idea why I was sitting among these aberrations, why I had them stare at me like I was a mouse needed to be caught and played with.</p><p>Aizen took a seat at the front.</p><p>"Everyone, this is Kaiya Suematsu. She is a notable Japanese student and an intellectual worthy of respect. It is in your best interest to be kind to her, as she is my guest for the time being."</p><p>I heard several of the Espada click their tongues as Aizen gave the instructions. For sure, what else would they want but to kill me — these beings obsessed with nothing but power and mayhem. I didn't look at them at all, my eyes staying fixed on their corrupt leader, wandering just a little to the right where the only familiar face was sitting.</p><p>One of Aizen's slaves — a young-looking human-like hollow shivering with terror — served everyone tea. It was a wonder how he hadn't spilled even a drop with those hands of his, though I assumed it was because he was well-aware of a possible punishment for any mistake. Poor boy — I pitied him, but I knew it was impossible to help him.</p><p>"Make yourself at home, Kaiya. Make sure to rid your mind of any disturbances, since we shall have a private chat as soon as we finish our tea,“ Aizen spoke casually, yet there was still a threatening connotation to his words.</p><p>I wonder how much he really meant out of everything he said. A notable student and an intellectual? He didn't seem like the type to publicly praise someone just for the sake of it. And was I really safe after he told the Espada not to kill me?</p><p>I'm overthinking this. I keep telling myself that I'm not afraid of death, yet my subconscious tells a different story. I just need to stay calm for now, things are out of my control, so why should I beat myself up over them? Whatever the consequences turn out to be, it could always be worse. That fact alone should be comforting.</p><p>Have I spoken a single word during the time we all had our last sip? Probably not. A constant terror of an unknown and inevitable future consumed my body and played with my agitated mind; my constant need to deny those fears, however, and my shadow self — the real me, my terrified persona — battled behind my steady face.</p><p>'Pain has abated; mist and streams carry thoughts... desires hide too.</p><p>Images dark, yet as pale as dreams, suggest someone will fall through.'**</p><p>How easy it was to lose all hope; that's why I acted so freely around someone as powerful as Aizen — the consequences of my words became irrelevant, and no matter how frightened I may have been, my feelings have subsided once again at knowing I lacked all control over my life. Still, I wondered if what I felt was despair or rather nothing. I couldn't decide, couldn't determine what was more likely, or I simply couldn't tell the difference. Was that how it was for <em>him</em>?</p><p>My eyes traveled to the only unbothered person in the room. Why did he stop coming to my room? And why did he refuse to look at me?</p><p>Aizen led me to the private room where silence felt much heavier than before. I didn't know what he wanted, couldn't even imagine what he was thinking about, couldn't fathom the greatness of his plans neither the reasons behind them. Yet, I was here, so clearly that meant he saw something unusual in me, whatever his definition of that word may be.</p><p>"You want to know why I brought you here," he stated. Brought? More like kidnapped, my not-so-dear Aizen. Oh, how I hated the reality-distorting euphemisms. How I hated this man's arrogance.</p><p>"Do tell."</p><p>His grin grew wider. "Simple, really. I brought you here so you could lighten up my castle. I brought you so I could listen to your thoughts in person, so I could hear the wonderful prose of such great human mind." He began approaching me, all the dignity of the most powerful being surrounding him like an aura. Hate, hate, hate, it filled me, it threatened to spill have I not started digging my nails into my skin enough to distract myself with pain.</p><p>"Do not think, Kaiya, that I would pick just anyone," he spoke, his hand reaching out to my face. "Be honored. Be joyful. You are spending time in my presence without greater consequences, such as I intended. Now, tell me about-"</p><p>He stopped the moment I slapped his hand that tried to touch me. Outrageous of me, so what? I would rather die than put up with his will.</p><p>"This is the second time you're cutting me off in the middle of a sentence. And still, you refuse to speak to me."</p><p>"As I said, I've got nothing to tell you."</p><p>"But if you won't fulfill the one purpose you're here for, than your life is worth less than nothing to me."</p><p>"Don't sugarcoat it — I've never been of any worth here in the first place." As Ulquiorra said, he's here just to pass the time. To be amused on his break from trying to conquer the world.</p><p>"There's still potential — I just have to make you talk."</p><p>He did it then — the immense force of his spiritual pressure started suffocating me, knocking out my senses and blurring my vision. My muscles were stiff, painful, I could not move no matter how much my brain screamed: do something! This man was a monster, terrifying and disgusting.</p><p>Damn, I could really die now. Perhaps that was good, I don't really know. I knew I didn't want to suffer like this. I hated this helplessness, hated how he abused his power to get what he wanted, hated how <em>I</em> had to be his victim.</p><p>One long minute of almost unbearable torture that brought me to my knees, Aizen stopped manifesting his power and I was free to move again. That horrendous psychopath... The more time I spent in his presence, the more I hated him, the more my body got filled with pure anger.</p><p>Seeing I was weak from his attempt to make me talk, he tried reaching my face once again, but I pulled back.</p><p>"You are absolutely disgusting," I spoke, forgetting then, that my life probably depended on what I said to him. I was still confused whether I wanted to die or just to defy him on purpose.</p><p>"You're better off with this side of me, than the bad sides of everyone else. You do realize that your life is in my hands, right?" he spoke slowly and with a smug smile, which I suppose was natural for him.</p><p>"Oh, dear. Go ahead and kill me, see how much I care."</p><p>Maybe he took my words as a challenge when he leaned closer to whisper a threat into my ear. "If you do not obey, something worse than death will befall you."</p><p>"Would it be more pleasant than staying in your presence?"</p><p>I should think, he wasn't someone who appreciated sarcasm. Shame, maybe I'd grow some respect for him after this. But that was impossible now — he was already displeased and a little angry, it seemed. Good.</p><p>"Ulquiorra."</p><p>The man appeared at the door as soon as Aizen uttered his name.</p><p>"Take this woman to her room, keep checking her state and only bring her back to me after she has decided to speak."</p><p>"Yes, Aizen-sama."</p><p>But I decided I would never give him that pleasure.</p><p>I willingly followed the silent man through Las Noches to the dreadful place I would probably spend the rest of my miserable existence in. The fact that I wasn't sad or even angry over it spoke about my inevitable insanity and how I no longer had to worry about losing my mind, as I could not escape it. What do I have left now? Philosophy, poetry, never-changing black and white room, and just maybe, I have <em>him</em>.</p><p>He unlocked the door, stayed until he was certain I was calm and indifferent, gave me one last empty look and left me to contemplate whatever was left for me to contemplate.</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>'I am tired. May my body be laid in lifeless gloom that surrounds me.</p><p>May it all that has never been fade into that soul, demise and agony,</p><p>May it all fade and may the grey haze enshroud it all; may oblivion and frost,</p><p>Beautiful moments and love glaze. And may everything sink and be lost.'</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*Poem used: The Raven - Edgar Allan Poe ( https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48860/the-raven )</p><p>**Poem used: Premonition - Vladislav Petkovic Dis ( https://sites.google.com/site/projectgoethe/Home/vladislav-petkovic-dis/slutnja )</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. A Word on Torment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The way she spoke was different than before, or so he had noticed only after reflecting on his visits; what was the word? Ecstatic maybe — that is how she used to be at the beginning when all those interesting theories seeped from her lips as if there was never-ending knowledge inside her mind. What was this creature that he was looking at now? This cold, indifferent being stripped away of everything that made her <em>her</em> — <em>a human</em>.</p><p>This is what Aizen made with his ruthless actions. A castle filled with empty marionettes, bent to his will, broken if they refused to accept his rules.</p><p>This woman the latter and the result was uncanny — when he looked at her, it was no different than looking into a mirror. The dress she wore spoke of her ceased emotions and erased humanity, the furrowing eyes he's been looking at for days caused a slight physical sensation he had never experienced before.</p><p>She wasn't completely human anymore, but so what? It only meant that she wasn't <em>herself</em> anymore, while her mind still went through hardships that could be amusing if they manifested. The woman was already more than a little insane, seeing how she was muttering strange lines every once in a while. Was this what Aizen wanted? A useless, insane woman trapped in a dungeon, having no purpose and no future in front of her.</p><p>“You think he’ll ever die?”</p><p>What a strange question to ask.</p><p>“It depends what you mean by that.”</p><p>“Ah, yes. Wasn’t I the one who thought you about death? Or, at least tried to.” Death seemed to be on her mind a lot lately; he imagined she was conscious of the impending, inevitable doom that loomed around the corner, yet unable to come in terms with it. She was a human, so it was to be expected; to Ulquiorra, death was a fairly simple concept — you live as a human for an insignificant amount of time that comes forgotten in the seemingly boundless passage of time, most of which you spend as a hollow, a soul, or an arrancar. What comes after is nothingness, a concept that resembled most of his existence, only this time without consciousness. What it would be like to not be able to think was beyond him, and therefore meaningless to think about now.</p><p>“I have learnt about many ancient rulers who tried to outlive their destinies — they all searched for the cure for death, a path to immortality. Aizen is like that — he is powerful and hungry for things that are beyond living beings, so he devoted his life and the lives of many others to acquiring what he seeks; in that aspect, he is no different than humans, if you so wish.”</p><p>She knew he considered being compared to a human as an insult, that was why she did just that — but the fact that she was trying to do something else escaped from him. She wasn’t just anyone, else Aizen would not have her here right now.</p><p>“Why are you on his side, Ulquiorra? Why are you guarding his back?”</p><p>The questions came as a surprise to him.</p><p>Why? It never really came to him. The weaker obeyed the stronger, that was his policy when regards to his position. No real reason, only a stop before demise.</p><p>“The weak follow the strong. Nothing more and nothing less.”</p><p>“Why would weaklings protect the strong?”</p><p>“We have our tasks, we don’t necessarily protect. We are strong, but he is stronger and therefore the King. Now, I advise you to stop with the questioning, it is not my purpose here to answer them.”</p><p>Her eyes told him of the cruelty behind her words. “You have no purpose. He doesn’t need you. He doesn’t need anyone. The Espada are experiments, but I’m guessing he did not include the capacity to understand that when he listed the terms and conditions. You’re not empty, Ulquiorra, you’re miserable.”</p><p>Miserable? Who does she think she is, talking to him like that? Some lowly human, a woman that was no different than a worm, a bug that could be stepped on.</p><p>She sighed then, and that action told him how tired she was of her life, of thinking and from existing.</p><p>“There are countless and painful solitudes. I never thought that I would find myself in one. I never thought I would find myself in poems about hopelessness. You, however, are a part of each one of them. Thinking about you, I am overwhelmed with sorrow. That is who you are. And if I were to listen to the wise voices of the past, I could apply many of their most tragic works onto you.”</p><p>He no longer understood her. He did not possess the same knowledge and therefore could not comprehend her train of thoughts. Who was she now? She wasn’t him, nor was she herself. What remained were the many works of wisdom that she carried in her mind, the very things that kept her from losing every last fiber of her conscious being.</p><p>“Who are you now?” he asked.</p><p>She looked away, and he noticed, after many days of monotony, that something changed about her. No doubt, her condition worsened, her mind even beginning to crumble before his eyes.</p><p>“I don’t know anymore. I am whatever you make me. I know I am suffering, everything else I have forgotten.”</p><p>She was shaking now, the remaining emotions causing an uncontrollable physical reaction.</p><p>“Who am I?” he asked.</p><p>She looked at him again more intensely.</p><p>“A puppet to him.”</p><p>“And to you?”</p><p>Why did he want to know anyway? What drove these questions? It wasn’t mere curiosity on his part, not about the general knowledge anyways. This was her personal perception, and he found himself wanting to unravel it.</p><p>The woman lowered her head. She didn’t want to answer. She didn’t want to expose herself to him, it seemed, though he believed she was still reasonable enough to know that he understood her position very well in regards to him. She simply preferred to keep it to herself, thinking, perhaps, that if she didn’t utter it, somehow there was still hope for something else to be true.</p><p>There wasn’t. This was her hopelessness. And now, against his wishes, he levelled with her.</p><p>“Look at me.”</p><p>What was it in his chest that stung when their eyes locked and her misery reached him?</p><p>“Who am I to you?”</p><p>Only shadows breathed in this dark room. Only the invisible strings of life moved as they connected these two beings. The strings that tightened around their hearts, silent and unnoticed.</p><p>“The light. And the darkness. You are the one with power and the one with choice.”</p><p>He was the one that stood between her and freedom, between her and inescapable demise. Depending on which path she chose, he stood there as an obstacle in front of either one, the one obstacle she did not want to remove.</p><p>The strings tangled and danced, they intertwined and tugged them towards each other. Ulquiorra felt them some place deep, somewhere he could not touch, but it hurt like a stabwound.</p><p>“What is this?” he asked, hoping she understood, hoping her body also ached like his.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It hurts, but there’s no wound.”</p><p>The face that so eerily resembled his own changed before his eyes, softened and even smiled before a tear stained it. She approached him, and the pain deepened just from looking at her. Why? Who was she that so seamlessly awakened his soul?</p><p>“You feel it in your chest as I do.” She placed her palm on his chest. Nothing could be felt there, nothing but an unbearable cold, but he did, he felt pressure, something strange enough he could not describe it.</p><p>“You feel the pain of existence, the sorrow that follows all life. There’s no greater burden than the one we must endure.”</p><p>It built up, it corresponded with her, with her touch and her voice. What was it that she did?</p><p>No sooner did she cup his cheek, and no sooner did he feel the twitch in his chest. Then another one when she touched his neck, and another when she caressed his cheek. The cold was no longer there, replaced by the overwhelming warmth he had never before felt. And until now, he didn’t realize that <em>cold</em> was also a feeling.</p><p>For how long did he roam across an empty desert? When did he lose so much that he became the same as wasteland that consumed his conscious? Remembering his roots, thinking back to the loneliest of times when no other sensation but insatiable hunger tormented him, her everlasting muttering suddenly became coherent to him;</p><p>‘I blended into witless mob<br/>and levelled with them,</p><p>shaped by my own consciousness,<br/>disgraced by the evil deeds of mine.</p><p>Even before death I am dead,<br/>even before Judgment Day I judge myself,<br/>before endless torment<br/>I torment myself with despair.’</p><p>It wasn’t only her that changed in this wretched dungeon — he did, too; so much, in fact, that the line that separated <em>him</em> and <em>her</em> became blurred and unrecognizable, and everything that defined him melted under her palm.</p><p>She caused the pain and then she erased it. She evoked his soul and then she consumed it. She opened his eyes and then she engulfed them, forcing him to change, forcing him to <em>feel</em>.</p><p>“Allow me to be your comfort.”</p><p>Her hand that moved oh-so-tenderly across his face caused something that he could only describe as pleasant, and he figured it must’ve been comfort. The relief after pain, the good side of humanity.</p><p>There was time to think. Time was all he had now and always. There was plenty of it to question her actions and words, but this very moment was not meant for that. Instead, he let her shower him with affection and understanding, and he let himself absorb all of it at once. Reason long forgotten, Ulquiorra found himself bewitched and useless before a mere human and a woman that would most certainly be his demise.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Poem used: Letter on Torment ( https://sites.google.com/site/projectgoethe/Home/sava-nemanjic/slovo-o-mukama )</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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